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Cubicle Humor and Office Jokes

Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle...

  • Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long.
  • Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
  • Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
  • That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.
  • Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
  • The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
  • 23 power cords - 1 outlet.
  • Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
  • The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers.

And the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle ...

  • You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.

You know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

  • Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  • You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
  • You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  • You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
  • You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  • You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You jog to work and arrive yesterday.
  • Your farts smell like Jamaica Blue Mountain.
  • Your eyes are brown...even the white parts.
  • You personally account for more than 1% of the Gross National Product of Brazil.
  • Mosquitoes that bite you can fly through glass.
  • You spend the weekend cross-country skiing....and cross the country!
  • You think skydiving is just too damned slow.

The Difference Between Work and Prison

IN PRISON ... you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in one 6x8.

IN PRISON ... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK ... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON ... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK ... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON ... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK ... you carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON ... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK ... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON ... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK ... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON ... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK ... they're called managers.

IN PRISON ... all expenses paid by taxpayers; no work required.
AT WORK ... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON ... you spend your life looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out.
AT WORK ... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

The Plan

In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers

And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying
" It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
" It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
" It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
" It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
" It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
" It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
" This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
Company, and in these Areas in particular."

And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.

And this is how Shit Happens

Coffee Drinkers Prayer

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me productive in wee hours:
It leadeth me beyond the yawing masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks®:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the House of Juan Valdez forever.

Amen

At work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

To eror is human, to forgive is not company policy.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

 
 


 


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